Urine The Right Place

So I had to take a drug test for my new job. Shocking right. Corporate America. Love it. So. I make the appointment and show up on time. The lady behind the counter quickly calls my name, to my surprise (they are actually on time too) and I head up to show my reservation. Yeah. Appointment I meant. But I reserved my right to be there. She looks at me and says "where's your paperwork?" Kinda bitchy and such. I show her my phone and said it at it was on there. What did she need exactly I didn't know. So I hand over the phone and she snaps some comment about how she can't read the writing. Shit lady. Get real. So I ask what she needs exactly and she tells me it's a 9 digit number. I find. I read. 

Then she says rudely " I'll meet you at the door!"  Okay. The door flies open and I follow the satan nurse into a room. Office like. She tells me to remove all items from my pockets. So I do. Then she begins to rattle off all the 'pee'ing in a cup' rules. I must have missed the part where she waits "bring the sample out of the bathroom to me" so I ask if I leave it in there or not. You know the answer ... "I said, bring it out to me!"  

Yikes. So I forgot to mention I had pee anxiety. I took a piss in the shower before I left that morning and I rode my bike many miles the evening before. Bad idea. Worse combo. 

So I'm in the bathroom. Struggling to drop some drops and nearly sharting my pants trying to push out what looks like Tang. Then I hear a rap on the door. The lady is knocking on the door and yelling "sir, you need to come out. This is a timed test."  What. A times test of what. How fast I can pee into a cup over a toilet while you listen outside the door. Shoot. I would have worked way harder if I knew it were a race. 

I finally get out of the bathroom. Hand her my cup with orange paste in it. She laughs and says "this won't do!" 

She asked why I made an appointment for a urine text if I didn't drink anything prior. I said "the email that was sent out said not to eat or drink prior to my appointment!"  Sheesh. The nerve. 

I was embarrassed, and dehydrated so I fucking left. 

The end