Open Letter to You

The old cliche that time fly's by extremely quickly is no myth. In the blink of an eye not only can life change, but the past gets further and further away. I am a 'live in the moment' type of individual and often times, because of this trait, I forget about the past and often times forget to go back and reflect on highlights, low lights, and learning experiences. This, coupled with my mildly selfish nature, can cause and effect on life that can get overlooked....thus this letter to you. A sincere and real grouping of words that may make you laugh, may make you cry, may make you sad or angry or any other feeling under the sun. In reality, it's meant to shed light on who I am, beyond what you think, and why some things are the way they are. Ready? Let's give this a whirl.

I can hardly believe that over 21 years has gone by since you entered the world. Since that moment so many things have happened, so many things have changed, so many things have become parts of the past and so many things have been broken, re-built, broken again. Hearts, minds, memories...tarnished, scarred, lost, forever, or just for now. The certainties of life remain the same, though, you're born and then, sometime, you die. During the in between you have choices, you learn stuff, you make decisions, you learn from those decisions. Life will kick you straight down to the ground, and people will lift you up. The truth of the matter is that you have very little actual control over what is happening within the big picture, on the large scale. Your decisions do, however, impact how you react to life, and how others see you within the picture. Not that it matters what others think, but it's an impact, and if that impact is positive, mostly positive things happen back. Again, there are no guarantees, but you hope for the best, you prepare for the best, and you gain tools and knowledge to cope with the worst...even if the gaining comes from the suffering.

When I look back on life, yours specifically, it brings sorrow to my heart. Not because of anything you have done...not because you bring me any sort of ill feelings, more because of what you have been through because of my own decisions. There are the obvious big things like multiple divorces, lots of moving from city to city and even state to state. The changing of schools, the fact that your relationship with your mother may have been less than it should have been. The fact that your Dad was more wrapped up in his love interest and himself.  It's no ones fault, it's life and most people will say that they did the best job they could with what they had at any given moment. For me, I would look back and say I was selfish, misunderstood, couldn't feel love the way wanted to with an understanding of what life was truly all about. I would likely blame myself rather than others for the pain and suffering I may have put someone through, even if it was completely unbeknownst to me at the time. The long of the short of it is that you suffered at the hand of my countless poor decisions when I should have stuck up for myself in life, followed a good path, or thought things through, better, harder, and more deeply.

The intention of this is not about me, but to give you a glimpse into what I feel about the 'then me'. It's not always pretty, maybe mildly narcissistic, and sometimes just plain failure. From failed relationships, to putting the wrong things first, to always wanting more or something different then what I had at that time. Whether that was from a relationship perspective or things, money, jobs, friends, etc. The list can get long, tedious, and even unnecessary. That list leads us to our lives today. We all have our own lists...good and bad parts. And the point of today, and every fresh and new day is to make a decision on how you are going to react to situations, to people, to love, to generosity, to sickness, to health.

Life --  a privilege to experience however you choose to do it. It's a series of minutes, hours, days, weeks and years that make up memories, both good and bad and arbitrary as well. When you go through life, it just happens. You make things, you create, you destroy, you live, you love, you breath, you get scared, you get happy, you might feel sad at times. It's all part of the journey, and at the end of the day, the journey is yours...even if there are times you get off track, find yourself alone, feel dark and depressed, or just plain want to give up. It's a blessing to be here, though. It truly is. The sooner you accept that, the better life gets, even the littlest things like going to work, going on a walk, taking out the garbage (literal and figurative), enjoying friends, significant others, family, and the like. As soon as you view your life as a promise and not a demise, you start to live a fuller version of it, breath in the splendor, and exhale the freedom.

Love -- I see love. I see what it can do for others. I see what it does to people both positive and negatively. People do things for what they think is love. Wars have begun because of love. Wars have ended because of love. Life begins because of love, and love is magnified in a life that is losing a battle. I see love...differently than you do, differently than most do. Love has betrayed, caused remorse, left stones unturned, and denied me of so many possibilities. Love has ground me down, left me cold, alone, wanting and wishing. Love, or what I thought was love, is a burden, a plague, a feeling that controls you and makes you do stuff that others may find unacceptable or wrong. IN THE NAME OF LOVE; some may say. I had loved mixed up with emotion. With lust. With a feeling rather than a promise. I saw love as a control. I control you and you control me. Love was wasted on itself because it was treated as a thing you give and receive rather than a life you live surrounded by it. Love is not always beautiful. Love is not always the only thing. Love is the best thing, though. Love makes no mistakes...rather we make mistakes in love. Love never lets in the anger. We get angry even when we are loved or love. Love rises above the ashes and cools the flames. The fire and the heat weren't created by love, love does not fuel those things...it extinguishes them. I'm really bad at love. I've allowed my heart to be hardened over years and years and love couldn't creep in. Fake love is not love. It's false. Real love doesn't know falsehood, it prevails through it. Until recently, besides unconditional love I feel for you and your siblings, I had no clue what love was. I even still stumble with love and the depth of love. I can't grasp love like many others seem to. I fail at love much of the time. Love doesn't live on the surface, it lies deep within us, deeply rooted in spiritual things.

Death -- I've never died. Someday I will. Hopefully before the ones I love do. It's a certainty. It will happen. What happens when you die will never be explained. You trust one way or another. Maybe we die and it's over. Maybe we die and we go to heaven or hell. Maybe we just float around in some void of space type place and see the world from a distance forever. Maybe we start over.

What I do know about death is that it really messed me up in ways that I can't explain to you or anyone else. I used to blame my screwed up brain on the death of Grandma Bonnie...it wasn't her fault, but when she died I was transformed. That is when the heart got hard and the burden of this world became heavy and when I tried to fill a void that was either unfillable or not really even there. Women, things, material and unnecessary. Things that made me feel complete even for just those moments. Sex, cars, alcohol, sports, buying things, owning things, changing jobs. When you try to fill a void that can't be filled you miss the mark and suffer many consequences. I fell in love with ideas of things. The way things were supposed to be based on society, upbringing, leaders, and even television.

Death is the final dismissal of life. And in it you break or bend. Seeing it, experiencing it and going through this resets you and that reset gets dark, you must bring in the light. Often times I had a hard time re-setting.

Being a Dad -- if I had to simply grade myself right now on how good of a dad I have been I would barely pass the test. For all the aforementioned reasons of selfishness, denial, darkness, betrayal, and lack of knowledge or strength, I was a 'just okay' kind of dad. Even still, as I write this, I feel as if I could do so much better moving forward. And as I watch you grow up and make big decisions I find myself wanting you to only make decisions that you can control. To listen when people give you their wise words and take on a scenario. To do only things that can't hurt you or make life harder. As a dad I would not turn back the clock and change things. This sets into motion all sorts of uncertainties and changes that wouldn't put me, or us where we are right now.
As your dad I want you to be protected from heartache, dismay, ill feelings, bad people, bad things. The only thing I can do is live a life, now, that is fruitful and void of as much negativity as possible and hope that those simple things get passed on to you now or someday. I can't change the last 21 years, nor would I, but I have learned from them and am acknowledging that they weren't easy for me or for you. That being said, though, don't use that as a crutch in life. There are no excuses in moving forward if you are fully aware of your past. People make mistakes and own them. And others make mistakes and blame them. You choose.

My final thought would be to live. You have one shot at life and you get to make it count or simply live a life. Things will not make you happy, people may not make you happy and happiness is not a guarantee nor is it your right. it's curated and fulfilled. It's finding the joy in the pain, knowing full well there will be pain...but you will handle that with grace and forgiveness. Happiness is just a word that people claim, but to be truly happy is to be okay with you and just you in all situations and scenarios. If you want to be happy, be happy. If you want to feel free, break the chains. If you want to feel full, then fill yourself with good things that grow in you. If you feel darkness, seek the light. If you feel alone, surround yourself with good people. If you feel dumb, get smart. If you think you're not good enough, get better. If you think you are better, knock yourself down a notch. if you desire riches, earn them. If you want simplicity, slow down and enjoy the quiet and simply be. okay. with. where. you. are. and. who. you. are. no. matter. what.

"it's never too late to lead...."
S. Pease